Reinvention: Post 1 :)

Alright, before I get to the goals and stuff, I think it's important to articulate why exactly I'm doing this. 

Why

1. I owe it to the blessings God has bestowed on me. What I mean is, I've been given a wonderful life and so much potential and it would be unjust to let it fall to the wayside in the wake of laziness and low self-esteem.

2. To keep me happy being single. Actually I think it's like a cycle: I'm doing all of these things because I'm single and I'm stuck in this life with myself so I might as well make myself someone I love to be around. But also, by focusing on all these things, it will drive me into a further desire to be single.

3. To make the most of my college experience. Self explanatory. 

Goals

1. a) To read the entire Bible and b) to get closer to God. For a, it's simply because right now I'm a non-denominational Christian, and I feel that if faith is based upon the word, then what better way to feel completely secure in my faith than to develop my own interpretation of the word, instead of depending on the interpretation of the Church? I could use the Church's interpretation to help me, but in the end it will be completely between God and I. And for b, I could end up disappointing myself every now and then during this thing, but I know He could never let me down and that I can always turn to Him when I need guidance. To follow His path and be sure that I'm living for Him would make this all worth it. This includes praying at least once a day.

2. a) To feel healthier. I don't plan on going on a "health kick" or anything like that because I do have a history of phasing out after three days. But just by surrounding myself with healthier/no snacks in my dorm room and watching what I eat (portions especially! My dining hall is all-you-can-eat) for each meal, I will hopefully feel a physical change. I also want to make a habit out of at least stretching every day, and being more active throughout the week. b) To tone up my body. I don't really need to lose weight (maybe a couple pounds) but what I do need to do is tone up my body, specifically my stomach and booty. I would just say stomach, but almost every guy I've been involved with has specifically appreciated that other part and so I feel it deserves some attention. Haha. This is a great goal for next semester especially because if I keep up with this successfully, it will be just in time for summer!

3. To keep up my appearance. There's really no excuse to bum out more than 25% of the time, especially when you're a relatively pretty girl like I am (just spittin' the facts homie). I have the potential to look good in a lot of styles. This goal involves all that fun stuff - updating my wardrobe and specifically my shoes, experimenting with makeup for different occasions, making sure my hair looks nice when I go out, shaving more often, keep up hygienic things no matter how crappy I feel, and just overall making sure I feel fabulous before I step out the door (and even while I'm just sitting in bed or chilling. You never know when you'll be needed!). Adjectives I want to personify through my appearance include sexy, classy, cute, quirky, serene, fun, and mature.

4. To be more well read. I love books when I read them but I definitely have a hard time getting myself to start. Another part is that I feel like any book I read nowadays has to be one that people find intellectually stimulating or classic. But in this reinvention I will incorporate a lot of books that people may not have even heard of, just things that are thoroughly enjoyable and even easy reads (insert chick lit here), just to keep me in the reading mood.  

5. To get more involved in extra-curriculars on campus. That includes clubs, events, volunteer work, etc. I worked really hard to get the opportunity to be here 24/7, and I really should be taking advantage of what I've earned. This means not only being on the mailing lists of all these, but actually going to every meeting I can, and going out of my way to learn about opportunities to volunteer and support groups on campus by going to their events. Who knows, maybe soon I'll be organizing an event or two. This also very much includes getting a job and working to find internships as long as I'm also working on number 6. 

6. To stay on top of my courses. I honestly believe that as long as a person fulfills the requirements to enroll in a course, there is always the possibility of succeeding in the course, and earning a grade that's higher than average (even if it isn't an A, because we know how stubborn some professors can be about that). Honestly, all it takes it time, focus, and effort. I also want to include in this one to get to know more about the majors I'm interested in and really narrow it down, as sophomore year is swiftly approaching. Ideally I'd like to know what I want before next semester begins, so I can opt to take the classes that fit. And once I'm in a department, or even before I get there, I also want to include talking to professors involved and really forming a relationship with at least a couple of them, so that I can become more invested in my studies and become as knowledgeable as I can about them. 

7. To develop my hobbies, or to begin a new one or two. Make a conscious effort to work on my writing, or my drawing... or start reading comic books or learn how to play songs on the piano or even the guitar. No matter what hobbies I have, I must be sure that a) they're enjoyable and relaxing enough to be considered a break from my work, b) that they're constructive (ruling out something like having a collection), and c) that I can be proud of them. But it won't be considered a hobby if I don't consistently work on it. The great thing here is that there's no real finish line. Like with writing, I'm not trying to write a book, but I should be sure to try and write something every time the inspiration strikes me, even if it's just a little bit. (P.S. This is not meant to say that I want to forsake all of my rather unconstructive hobbies such as my Harry Potter fandom and listening to music, I just think I need to find a better balance between constructive hobbies and relatively unconstructive ones.)

8. To remain a social entity. This is the tricky one, because one of my "why"s is to stay single. This goal is not meant to encourage dating at all. It is simply meant to help me keep up my social life, so that I can remain open to new friendships and remain loyal to my old ones. I'll go to as many social events as I can afford and even initiate some. The worst my friends can do is say no. There are some great girls here at Trinity and I'm really lucky that they're interested in being my friend. This goal involves making sure my friends feel appreciated and that I keep up important friendships from the Roc. 

9. To radiate. What better way to radiate than to have copious amounts of self-esteem? This goal includes reminding myself that I'm a great and worthy person as often as I can, and taking occasional time to pamper myself. Also, I not only want to be happy (which will definitely be helped along by NRBP), I want to make sure people feel that good energy and that I use that energy to make the world brighter. That sounds nothing like me, I know, but I just want to be an easier person to be around and be in a relationship (of any kind) with. Essentially this goal is about my personality. There are parts that I definitely want to keep, like a bit of my sarcasm, my being down-to-earth, my inner grammar nazi, and my philosophical, deep-thinking nature. (I want to strongly emphasize my desire to remain an analytical person, as I feel it's been slipping from me lately.) The point of this goal is to keep these things while simultaneously smiling more, becoming a sweeter, more grateful, more righteous, less awkward, more self-assured, less reserved, more level-headed, more understanding, more responsible and more selfless human being. 

10. To be more organized/clean. I want to organize my time, money, school books and papers, assignments, room, and anything else worthy of organization. I want to keep my room (well at least, my side of the room, haha. Jokes aside though my roommate's a pretty clean person too so there won't be any problems there) clean and organized almost all of the time, and that includes places I don't usually see like inside my drawers and under my bed. I want to sweep and mop as often as I do my laundry (once a week I guess). I want to make sure I have time to do my work and other things involving NRBP every day, and since this is such a big list of goals, time management is a must. I'm not that great with planners but I might try to keep one and perhaps a wall calendar or just use my dry-erase board that I already have to map out each day. And then of course I want to be way more organized about how I spend money, and keep a week-to-week budget.

A lot of these do overlap, or help the others along (2 and 3 really bleed into each other), which although I didn't really intend that, works out fantastically! I can't wait to begin executing this list. The first day of NRBP will be this Sunday, December 19, 2010. That is when I'll put up Day 1. Each day I want to have focused at least once on all of my goals, even if it's in a minor way. But the requirement is at least one MAJOR step each day that will be the focus of my post. Something that will make me go out of my comfort zone and out of my way - that's what's going to make me grow.

When should my deadline be? Well, first of all, the thing about me and deadlines is... well... I hate them. And I don't want to hate anything in this project, or have anything cause me undue stress. I already have enough deadlines haha. But! I will say that I hope to be thoroughly and completely satisfied with my progress in regards to all ten goals by December 19, 2011, which is exactly one year from now. That's a pretty long way to the "deadline," but there are some things on this list that just create their own natural deadlines (see 6). 

Ahh this is so exciting!! :D I can't wait to get started. 

Good timing for reinvention

Welp, my long-distance boyfriend of nearly nine months just broke up with me, right before my first college finals. The guy who never had a girlfriend before me, who maybe wasn't a complete dreamboat at first but who, over the course of our relationship, I fell deeply for as I saw him grow and mature into the fantastically attractive dude of my dreams. It took a lot of my encouragement and a lot of his own willpower and just general puberty to see that growth, but I'm glad he's finally at a great place. It just sucks that as soon as he got there he thought it would be okay to ignore how patient, accepting, and tolerant I've been and kick my sorry ass to the curb. Did I mention he did this right before finals? Also I hope I didn't forget to mention that I was the one who brought up the idea that maybe he wasn't so into the relationship anymore, which makes me wonder when he was going to have the balls to bring it up himself.

HOWEVER.

This timing is also really great! Granted, it would have been greater right after finals, but it is what it is. The reason it's nice timing is because now I have a whole month off of school to go back home and recover in a place that's extremely familiar, and that has a jacuzzi bathtub! I don't know how much I want to go out, as we have mutual friends back home (we met in high school) and I might end up having to run into him. But it will be super nice to be with my family over the holidays and see my cousins for a bit. What better time to be forcefully shoved back into a month of family time, given a break from the social demands of college, than the time when you're feeling the loneliest? This is also great timing because the semester starts fresh again when I go back to college. Isn't college just awesome for that? It's like, in high school you have to wait a whole year to be able to start new again (in that way) whereas in college it's just a matter of months. My first semester of college was, completely by my doing, relatively unglamorous, boring, not busy, a little lonely, and just all-around blah. But now that I know what college is all about and I'm really familiar with what my college has to offer, I'm prepared to jump into the social and extra-curricular environments that I've been avoiding up until now. Not to mention, be way more on top of my courses. (I did alright with the grades this semester, but not nearly my best.)

With all this considered, I've decided to do a Nixi Reinvention Blog Project that I'll design myself (to make it more personalized and because I can't find anything good on Google) and host it here on Xanga, because A) Xanga rules, B) my ex can see my Tumblr, and C) the community here is really great and if someone chances upon this maybe I can help someone else out or someone may be interested in my progress (lol).

Each week will involve certain things I will do, say, think about, and/or remember, that will help me on the path to completing the goals I will lay out in the first post of the Project. Also, each week I will list a motivational song or two, either from my past or one I've recently heard, that really makes me want to continue with this Project. I truly hope I follow through with this as I am very excited. So the next blog will be Post Numero Uno, which will lay out the goals and plan and all that good stuff. I might go back and edit it if I come up with more/better ideas for the project. 

Wish me luck!! 

I'm a loser baby

But that’s not my problem, my problem is that for the first time I feel bad about it. Usually I feel pretty proud about my loser-like endeavors and get legitimately excited about them, but yesterday I felt like a complete fool for spending the past week and this weekend in a social dry spell, spending my leisure time surfing the web for loser-ish things and just laying there thinking about  my boyfriend and writing lists and schedules that I knew I’d probably never use… oh yeah, and homework of course. And I think I should feel like a fool for that. I mean, as you were reading that you probably thought that was all a bit pathetic (although a very smart girl once told me that I tend to underestimate my audience). I mean, a whole week.

I feel like I’m purposefully avoiding my friends circle of people here, which really isn’t that hard considering that they don’t really care enough about me to care where I am (with the exception of one girl. Which I don’t blame them for, we’ve known each other for less than a semester. So why am I “avoiding” them? (First of all, I just feel like it’s too freaking cold to leave my building so I try to do it only when necessary… the semester is almost over.) I don’t know, I guess I just feel like I can’t relate to any of them. Sometimes when I say things a certain way which I think is totally normal, they act as though I’m some sort of dorky novelty item and gush at my dorkiness. The partying, the single life, the interests in different things, the stylish clothes, even the diction… it’s really just not me. Nor do I want it to be. I like the way I am now. It’s comfortable, it’s all I’ve known, and I’ve never surrounded myself with anyone who would think I was a loser for it, so I’ve only been encouraged to continue to be the way I am.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I’m a certain way, which to a lot of people may be seen as anti-social, reclusive, loser-ish, dorky, pessimistic and overanalytical (wow most of those are bad things). But I feel okay with it. Or, I felt okay with it. Now I’m feeling like this is just unacceptable. How did this sudden change come about? Well, I was sort of made to feel like a loser by a person who I purposefully surrounded myself with because I thought said person was encouraging of my ways. I shouldn’t care what other people think though, right? Well, there are a few people whose opinions I do value, and this person is one of them.

But I think the reason I am so sensitive to all this right now is because lately I haven’t been talking to my best friend, Brandon. I’ve been choosing things to do over calling him that honestly don’t deserve to be chosen over him. He’s my best friend for a reason. No matter how many loser-ish things I do, he’s backing me up and probably doing them too. He’s laughing along with me at politically incorrect jokes and making rude social observations with me and laughing at Harry Potter parodies with me. And I think that recently I’ve been taking for granted our relationship. NO ONE trumps your best friend, NO ONE. And that’s not some annoying social rule you just HAVE to follow… it’s something that just exists because it MAKES SENSE. If someone is your best friend, you can say anything you want to them and they’ll back you up (unless you need a slap in the face, and he gives me plenty of those too). I think every other person, no matter how close you say you are to them, you need to watch your tongue around. I’m not saying in a be-fake way, I just mean in a “this is appropriate and this isn’t” way.

I don’t know if any of what I’m saying is coming together to create a coherent post, but my point is, I need to keep talking to you Brandon, and only you, if I want to keep feeling encouraged to be myself. And this social dry spell may or may not end, but at least whilst I’m in it I can concentrate on my work. Shouldn’t work and my best friend be the two most important things, the two things I focus on with all my heart? They both make me feel like I’m doing the right thing by being in this world, so why not. I’m sure I’ll find people here at Trinity who I can trust, or if I don’t, it’s all the same. I really, really shouldn’t letanyone bring me down, no matter how close I feel to them, at a time like this… college is already too intimidating for that.

"And I know it's only a story but for so many it's more than that"

I really love Harry Potter and I don’t want it to end. It seriously has so much of me. I don’t quite know where I’d be without something stable like that to hold on to. When I get dorky and brag about all the Harry Potter things I have and know (which aren’t as much as I make it seem like, trust me) it’s like talking about a tradition. It makes me feel genuinely proud and happy and nostalgic and simultaneously like I lost something, and like I have something I could never lose. It’s taken me through so much of my childhood and when I think of what it means to be myself, it’s one of the first things that comes to my mind. People think of their stances on certain important issues or personality quirks when they think of what makes them THEM, but all I think of is Harry Potter, and how excited and proud it makes me. Because no matter who I’m with or who I’m trying to impress, I’d never deny Harry Potter. I’d never deny hanging around on JK Rowling’s website waiting for a clue, or reading Harry Potter fanfiction, or listening to MuggleCast, or reading the books over and over and over. Maybe it’s kind of sad that a huge part of what I consider me as a person is something like a book series. But I don’t really care. And the fact that I don’t care feels so good, it makes me feel like I have something that no one could ever take from me. Sometimes I don’t know what I am because I keep feeling like I’m influenced by the people I hang out with to like certain music or certain movies or certain books or entertainers or even ideologies. But Harry Potter… even though it has so many fans… it’s mine. It’s been mine since I was seven. And no matter who comes in and out of my life, no matter who I drift from and who breaks my heart, Harry Potter will still be mine. And that’s the hugest comfort I could ask for.

Socks